Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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