my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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