smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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