i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize