I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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