He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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