JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
