I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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