Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
