put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
