I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
