Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
