You're a womanizer and a bitch.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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