at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
