Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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