she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
