I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
