First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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