I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
