I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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