my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
