wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
