I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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