someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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