I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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