she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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