Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
