Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
