I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
