she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
