A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
