i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
