i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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