You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
