I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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