also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
