I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
