he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
