this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
