Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I died a long time ago.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't turn off my feet"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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