Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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