So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
