my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
