I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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