hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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