just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
