Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
