I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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