i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
