remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
