Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
