Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
