my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
