Screwed.edu
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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