yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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