Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
