Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
