i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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