My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
