Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
