But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can't turn off my feet"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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