you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she smelled like a LAN party
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
